I'm so tired of thinking about food.
For the last five days I've been surviving on a constant diet of exercise interspersed with the Food Network and violent b/p rituals.
The beginning of last week I was functional. I was even required to go to the grocery store (BIG MISTAKE). Usually Eric does the shopping and cooking but he is on a business trip. So when we ran out of lunchables it was up to Mommy.
Right when you walk into the store you first see shelves filled with candy. Mainly chocolate. I got three bags of those pain in the ass to open, individually wrapped, Almond Joy's, two bags of Reese’s pieces, a gallon of cookies and cream ice cream, two bags of Doritos, 1 bag of those funion things, an 8 piece ready-made fried chicken, 1 chocolate cheesecake, 4 chocolate cherry bear claws, one can of whipped cream (for the ice-cream and cheese cake), a bottle of grape juice and a bottle of apple juice, 1 frozen veggie pizza, a pound of hamburger and just about every kind of pasta and tomato or cheese based sauce I could find, 2 dozen diet cherry vanilla cokes, four boxes of macaroni and cheese, 1 large jar of pickles, 1 box of cup of soup, 1 dozen eggs, 1 package of cheese, 1 package of bacon, a six pack of Corona and 10 lunchables.
Right now, nearly all of that food is gone.
Back when I was living with my brother, I would do their grocery shopping. I went about every other day and got a few things for dinner. The way that I controlled myself back then was a trick that my mother taught me. I would weigh myself when I went in and after I made my purchases I would weigh myself holding the bags. Amazing what seeing that extra ten pounds on the scale will do for your willpower.
This time I made a shopping list to keep myself in control. Drank some milk before I went, so that I wouldn’t be hungry. Smart, right? ....... futile...... My list ended up buried in my back pocket, along with empty Almond joy wrappers. I had broken open the bag and started shoveling in before I even left the store. The only things that I got that were on the list were the lunchables and the juice. Justin enjoyed it though. He got more sugar that day than I allow him in a week.
I'm used to this situation, but it never gets any less drastic. Painfully I stuff as much food down my throat as can fit into my body and frantically throw it all up, quicker that it went down. Then I lay down nearly comatose for hours, hating myself. Feeling the panic slowly grow. I was BAD! I was undisciplined! I need to ECERCISE!
I can't write anymore. My brain is too full right now. My head is splitting in two and I have a terrible stitch in my left side, under my ribs. Probably from purging. All I can think of is going to sleep.
I skipped work today, so I have to be in good working order tomorrow. Eric gets back on Wednesday.
~ C.
